Time For Some Jokes
It’s about 10pm and I was careless about preparing a post for Monday. In combination with one of my sites doing increasingly well and needing a bit more “Susan love”, I’ve also been spending a lot of time with the family, especially this weekend since my husband is leaving for a business meeting in Vegas and now…I’m worn out from my little one year old… :) so I thought, why not post some jokes? :) I promise to get on the ball in the morning (bad, Susan bad!)
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An elderly man in Miami calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to
ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are
divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you
call your sister in Chicago and tell her,” and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, “Like
heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls her father immediately and screams at the old man, “You are
NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m
calling my brother back! , and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until
then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says,
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own airfares.”
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Three explorers are walking through the jungle, as explorers do, and they come across a tribe of cannibals.
The cannibals take the explorers prisoner and call the chief.
The chief informs the explorers that they will tested to see whether they will live. Their task is to go into the jungle and collect 100 pieces of the same fruit. He’ll explain the rest when they get back.
So off the explorers go, one returns with 100 apples (yes apples grow in the jungle :P) and the chief says “Right, your task is to shove each of them up your arse without changing your facial expression. If you manage it, we will let you go. If you fail, we’ll eat you”
The explorer gets about 3 apples into it before wincing, so the cannibals eat him.
The second explorer returns with berries. After hearing the task he’s sure he can do it. He gets to about 95 when suddenly he bursts out laughing. So the cannibals eat him.
At the pearly gates the first explorer says the second explorer “What happened?! You were home free! Why did you laugh??”
Second explorer says “I saw the third explorer coming back with pineapples!”
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This elderly couple were watching TV and the husband said, “Agnes, I am going to take a walk to the ice cream store. Do you want anything?”
The wife says “Sure, get me a hot fudge sunday, whipped cream, no nuts and a cherry.” The husband nods his head and starts heading out the door. The wife yells at him, “Henry, you should write down what I want. You have been forgetting alot of things lately.”
The husband snaps back “For Christ’s sake, Agnes, I will not forget your hot fudge sunday.”
About 1/2 hour later the old geezer gets home and hands is wife a hot dog with ketchup and onions on it.
“Damn you, yells the wife. I told you I wanted mustard.”
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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by QANTAS pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
By the way, QANTAS is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
7:45 pm on October 1st, 2007
Sounds like a busy day Susan. Everyone needs to laugh :D Love that last one!